The Curse of the Casual, Sexual Encounter: Part III
“No one deserves to be ghosted. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner communicates effectively and honestly with you” — Gabrielle Sims
What the actual fuck? What the fucking fuck happened? Did he actually block me on Whatsapp? He didn’t block me on Instagram, though. I seriously don’t get why he pushed me away like that. Did I completely break and ruin the bond with him? I really wanted to at least still be friends with him. Still do, actually. He clearly has his own issues and his own story. I don’t even know him well enough to know what that story is, except only that his last girlfriend from ions ago cheated on him. Was that even true? Was it really true that he hadn’t dated for four years? Was it also really true that he hadn’t even done it in four years? For all I know, everything he mentioned to me from the very beginning could’ve all had been a lie.
When we don’t know, we tend to fill in the blanks with things we think we know or things we somewhat assume. However, my therapist still challenges me not to do that anymore. Mentally, it’s not a healthy thing to do to myself. Not to fill in the blanks. Not to assume why he hasn’t responded. Or, what his story is. We just assume we don’t know and that he has his reasons — which, most likely and most probably have absolutely nothing to do with me. Or, the assumptions he has made about me but not the real me. Because, just like I don’t know the real him he doesn’t know the real me either.
As a woman, I’ve very often used sex to gain a man’s attention. However, that doesn’t really help keep the man unfortunately. There’s also no real way of knowing for sure what he’s thinking or doing, anymore. Did he catch feelings for me so quickly and didn’t want to admit it? Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t. I don’t know. If he was the one that saw me and knew me, and wanted to create a life and relationship with me then I obviously wouldn’t have experienced this situation. One could hope that a man in this thirties would be more mature and actually know better. Absolutely. To have difficult and transparent conversations. To tell me how he was feeling. My therapist also totally agrees with all of this. That all does seem reasonable, but it doesn’t appear to be what’s happening. Right? This is not on me. Absolutely, not on me. I’ve now taken a step back and have fully realized that he’s not worth all this time and energy, anymore.
It’s been a little over three weeks. For fucks sake, that’s nearly a month. He hasn’t gotten back to me. So, at this point, he most likely may not and may never get back to me. And, you know what? I don’t fucking care anymore. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t need to. I don’t know the story with him. I shouldn’t even fill it in. It obviously would’ve been more polite, courteous, and respectful of him to have been a gentleman. Sadly, he wasn’t and still isn’t. I’m not pursuing him, anymore. Clearly, he’s not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. I fucking deserve better. I’m not some meaningless sex toy to make a fool out of. There’s absolutely no need to want him, anymore. Why want someone who doesn’t treat me well? Why pursue someone who’s not pursuing me? Why be a part of that fucking chase? This guy clearly doesn’t treat me the way any other woman or human being deserves to be treated. I no longer pursue anyone I have to convince.
“Ghosting is someone dumping themselves for you” — Mark Groves
I’m never going to speak to him, ever again. If he caught feelings, or was afraid of what had happened to him, or whatever the fuck it was, that still does not give him the right to flat out ghost me. For crying out loud, being honest is not difficult.
Some people just come into our lives, only to teach us harsh lessons. Only to teach us that we are way better. Only to remind us of what our worth is. He obviously isn’t used to someone being so frank and open. It seems he got intimidated. I didn’t do anything wrong. He wasn’t enough to handle me. He clearly freaked out. He seemed to have thought I was looking for a serious relationship. He’s most likely not in that frame of mind, yet. He probably saw an opening, pursued it, and then later freaked out or something else happened that I have zero clue about.
The big concern here is it’s absolutely not right the way he treated me. Ghosting was just simply not acceptable. Like, at all. He could have easily responded to me with anything, even if it was just avoiding me from afar. He should’ve at least been open and honest about it, or faked it for awhile and then distanced himself.
“If we find ourselves in a position ill-equipped to express things that might be hurtful or conflict-laden, we don’t want to be in a relationship with them anyhow. Conflict and conflict resolution are the building blocks to intimacy, trust, and connection. So, those are really important indicators that we’re probably better off finding a different partner” — Dr. Josh Mirmelli
All of his actions show that not only does he not respect me as a woman, but he also doesn’t respect me as a person either. Be it I was his one night stand, booty call, or an escort, ghosting just wasn’t the right thing to do. He messed up, big time. That’s his fucking problem, not mine’s. I’m not going to let this get to me, anymore. I was just too bold and too good for him to handle. He didn’t even have the audacity or the courtesy to discuss this with me face-to-face, meaning he clearly doesn’t deserve me. That’s obviously not something I want to try, mend, and make it work. That’s actually the catalyst for a toxic relationship. So, it’s obviously best to avoid that altogether.
All of his actions have truly displayed what his real character is. Ghosted and perhaps blocked me via WhatsApp. Didn’t care to acknowledge me, my kindness, or even my presence. He just didn’t care and still doesn’t. He doesn’t respect me as a person. That is all. This is the formula for a toxic relationship 101. He never ever seemed to really respect my choices or wishes, either. I never want to be someone’s fuck toy. I’m way better than that. Much, much better than that. Friends don’t do this to one another. It’s very cold. This really fucking triggers me.
“Individuals who ghost usually struggle with low self-esteem, self-worth, honest & transparent communication, self-respect, and healthy & clear boundaries. Their behavior usually comes from fear of rejection, conflict, punishment, attack & abandonment. Ironically, their unhealthy coping (mechanisms) leaves the other feeling these exact (same) ways” — Amy Fiedler CHLC, CTSS, Reiki Master
When someone’s the right one, I’ll know for sure. If he was the one, then this wouldn’t have happened. Is this someone I’d want to be with for the rest of my life? Absolutely fucking not.
This is the ending to Part III. Meanwhile, Part IV is in the process of being written and published. Stay tuned.