I May Have Been Used As A Rebound — But I Still Had Forgiveness Left In Me (Part One)

“I am not ashamed of the scars that define me. Still, you’ve got a right to choose. Crawling in my skin and I lie here in envy. I am not afraid to lose” — Tremonti, Not Afraid to Lose

“At last, decide to go and find. Whatever we call fate is now too late to change at all. Whenever we break free. Whatever comes will be alright, alright.
Whatever end we bring. We’ll cherish everything this time, this time” — Tremonti, A World Away

January 25th, 2022: “I’m sorry I haven’t been very responsive. To tell you the truth, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. And, I’m not entirely sure how. But, I’m kinda seeing someone. It’s nothing huge, but I’m not the kinda person who juggles people. Especially when I’ve developed a close friendship. So, I wanted to be honest with you.

I go quiet. It feels like my heart has been pierced. I just text back, “I see.”

“I’m sorry if I hurt you. And, if there’s anything you want to say to me, please do. I don’t care what it might be. Whatever it is, just say it. I understand if you don’t want to talk. But, I’m here.”

It takes me at least ten minutes to respond, because it’s mainly due to how I’m feeling at this very moment seeing these uncomfortable texts from him. So, I write, “I personally need some space. I’ll speak further when I’m ready to. Hope you understand.”

“Of course, I understand. Whatever you need.”

He actually once told me, “I can be an asshole.” Well, he proved himself right with that statement.

That will forever stick with me.

I’ll be honest. He and I were really close friends, which is something that’s very rare to have in a casual sex partnership. That was something I really appreciated and admired, because I had never had that before in a casual sex partnership. In particular, no guy I’d been casual with in the past had ever sent me a good morning text, asked me how my day went, or ever thought of having a weekend staycation with me. In addition, I was never even ever told by a guy before him that he would always be there for me if I ever needed to vent, to cry, etc. Now, I am not saying I caught feelings because I personally didn’t. Instead, it seemed I was completely misled and that is why I was left feeling extremely hurt.

December 21st, 2021: “I was thinking yesterday about what you said. You know, about setting ground rules. I mean, one thing is not hurting anyone around us but I also don’t want to be hurting you. So, I think communication and honesty are important. Because I care a lot about you. Sex with you is honestly amazing. I haven’t had this much fun in a long time. I just want to make sure that we are both OK with things being just casual. Because, I honestly can’t offer any more than that. I get protective over people I care about, so I obviously can’t continue to do something that hurts you.”

See what I mean? This just doesn’t make sense to me, anymore. It just doesn’t add up. Just recently, he wanted to see me but something had apparently come up for him. I think I know why now. Then, he got really sick with the flu for a few days and then went completely MIA. That’s not clear communication and honesty. If you’re reading this, you’re probably fully understanding why I needed space, why I am still deciding as to whether or not I should cut him off, and why I felt so…defeated, almost.

However, this was the final straw for me. I no longer lead this pattern. I no longer fall for this stupid trick, anymore.

January 26th, 2022: “Hey there. I know I told you yesterday that I personally needed some space, which I still do. However, I thought I’d get some things off my chest before I decide to make any further decisions. This is going to be a long ass message, but this is me now talking and unleashing that mermaid tattoo out of me.

Yes, I got really hurt yesterday but this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this was the final straw for me. Personally, I got sick and tired of falling for this same, stupid trick. I’m not saying I caught feelings, because I stayed true to my ground rules. It was me being misled that hurt me, which I really do not appreciate considering we set ground rules for honesty and communication. Sadly speaking, none of that was there from your end.

Last year, a guy I was in a casual sex partnership told me he had “no time for a relationship.” About a month later, he got engaged and married right after. It took me months to move on and heal from that. Yesterday almost felt like history repeating itself, except I felt as if I was used as some sort of rebound for sex. Do you now see what it’s like to be in my shoes?

It seems you just wanted a change of scenery. Well, I’m not some sort of toy you can fuck and then mislead. Had you been brutally honest from the start, then I would probably not be feeling the way that I’m feeling now. Not saying, “all I can offer now is something casual” because that was clearly bullshit from the start. Despite me being okay with things being casual, I had good intentions from the beginning and throughout. All the way. Because I’d never do this to any guy.

Also, I don’t know if we will still remain close friends after this. Men who’ve done the same thing to me in the past have said, “We’re still close friends and I will always be there for you,” but then never had the audacity to want to see me, talk to me really, or even spend time with me as a legitimate friend. That’s the epitome of disrespect.

Now, I seem to realize that I probably never should’ve been intimate with you right after your breakup. It’s almost like I was some easy target for you to vent emotionally to, and to seek sexual intimacy from after your breakup. Now, you’ve found someone and realized you’ve served your purpose.

Listen, I’m not going to let this experience make me think any less of myself. I have value and I deserve better. Being hurt by this was the last thing I needed in my life, considering all the other things I’m currently dealing with such as making sure I don’t get constantly abused by my dad as often.

From now on, I’m going to be a different person. I’m still deciding whether or not I should still remain close friends with you, as it takes a lot for me to finally cut someone out of my life. I’m not an asshole.

I’m not sorry for writing this long ass essay of a message, because I’ve really needed to express everything. Hope you understand and take care. I’d also appreciate it if you’d give me more space too, and now truly and fully understand where I’m coming from. I’m hoping this also teaches you a lesson and that you still care.”

He then responds.

“First things first, I had no idea and absolutely no intention to mislead you in any way, shape or form, and I truly regret that that’s how things turned out. I had no intention to hurt you and I stand by when I said “casual is all I can offer.” It’s been 2 months since my breakup, and when I said I’m seeing someone I didn’t mean I’m in a full on relationship or that I’m even intimate with them because I’m not. But I also cannot lie, even when the truth is bad. I’ve developed interest in someone and being in a casual relationship while something else is developing doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not making excuses, all I’m saying is I did what I had to do. And BTW, of course you should never think less of yourself. Especially, not because of me. Nothing should ever make you think that. And, I had no intention of jeopardizing that. Again, this is why I wanted you to communicate more with me because you weren’t. I wish I had known what I was actually doing to you. I’m not blaming you at all. This is still my responsibility. And, I totally understand if you never want to speak to me again. But, I want you to know that I do value you. You can have all the space and time you need. What you say goes at this point and I’m willing to take on that responsibility. I have a lot of respect and appreciation for you. I hope you know that. It might be hard to believe that right now, but I hope that time can soften certain things and clear others. For what it’s worth, if anything, I’m truly sorry and it was never my intention to hurt you.

And, of course, you shouldn’t be sorry for writing whatever the hell you want. I know you said that because deep down you feel bad and still do, which is fascinating. Don’t ever feel sorry.”

I then respond.

“It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s a full on relationship or not. When someone tells me something like this from the beginning now, I just don’t believe it anymore. When someone says, “All I can offer is something casual” or “I don’t have time,” it’s just a disguise of telling someone “I’m not into you,” which isn’t a nice thing to do. Again, I didn’t catch feelings but I never like being misled as all it does is make me feel upset. Sure, I wasn’t communicating much but I still made it clear that it slowly takes me time to open up fully to someone and I had no idea that things would play out this way. Mind you, I’ve only known you for a month and a half.

Anyways, I’ve done enough venting for now and just need my time and space to reflect over everything and not let this break me.”

Most guys aren’t bad. Most women aren’t saints. I’m not saying I have any ill will towards him, but I am now wondering if things will ever be the same again after this. Actually, they won’t be. Isn’t that obvious? They will be different from now on. However, will it be a good different or a bad different?

I don’t regret writing this blog post. I won’t even regret if he will read it. This is how I express myself and I stand by that. I don’t know if I will cut him off, yet. I don’t know if I should even ever talk to him, again.

This is what he told me the day after Christmas.

December 26th, 2021: “I don’t think I’ll ever forget yesterday. You’re the best I’ve ever had. Don’t let anything or anyone shape your confidence, or even to affect your happiness. You deserve everything great in this life. I hate seeing you upset.”

Men like this come back all the time. No matter how long it takes, they always come back. I have made a promise to myself, though. Regardless, as to whether or not I will still have him in my life. I’ll make damn sure that I am not the same person he left. I will make sure that he will regret what he did to me.

Later that evening: “I’ve given myself enough time, space, and thought for these past two days. And, I’ve decided I’m not going to let it occupy any more of my space, including my mental headspace.

I appreciate the respect and appreciation you still have for me. We can still be friends but I don’t know if it’s going to still be a real friendship as you’ll probably never see me again (as that’s what most men do after meeting someone new), but one thing’s for certain and please respect my decision.

I’m never sleeping with you ever again. Because if you come back to me suggesting that or asking for it, then I’m never speaking and/or seeing you ever again. Please understand this. It’s for my own sake, mentally and emotionally. I need to protect my mental health and my heart, and not have both trampled on over and over again.

I never wish the worst for anybody, so I hope it works out with your next interest or whatever.

I rest my case.”

He then responds.

“There’s no way in hell that I’d ever ask you for something like that again. That absolutely goes without saying. I honestly and wholeheartedly have so much respect for you. And I’d never devalue you that way.”

I then respond.

“Well, I appreciate that. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’d personally rather not want to hear about your new love life or whatever it is as I don’t need or deserve to be triggered after everything that’s happened. Thanks for understanding.”

I wish I still had more of the texts from January. I had gotten a new phone by then. Fortunately, I remembered a few of the texts back from February. So, in that case, I am going to paraphrase. To describe those texts, dramatic may be an understatement.

February 2022:

“Hey there, I just wanted to say how extremely sorry I am for the way I mistreated you. You deserve all the good things in this life, and I should never have been an asshole to you. I am feeling so alone right now. I miss holding you. I miss the comfort. If you never want to speak to me, I fully understand because I deserve that.”

This was a text that came out of the blue. Looking at this, I am wondering to myself, “What exactly is he trying to do? Is this some act of manipulation? A cry for attention?” Clearly, he has some mental health issues. Or, it is all an act.

“Is everything okay? What happened?” I ask.

“I tried to kill myself twice. None of the attempts worked. I really wish they did, though.”

I begin to get worried. However, I am also skeptical at the same time. It almost feels like a cry for attention.

However, I go along with it and decide to be a listening ear for him. He proceeds to give me a call, summarizes the gist of what happened, and then says:

“In the most diplomatic way, I love you.”

Two weeks later, I go over to his place. He had just recovered from COVID. He was so happy to see me. I was also so happy to see him. Although I had discovered how deeply flawed he is of a human being, I had truly missed him.

Sitting closely beside me, he embraced me and told me, “I miss making love to you.” Considering the fact we were not even in love with one another, I was not so sure if “making love” was the phrase that was meant to be used. Oh, well. He then revealed how difficult it was to maintain self-control when sitting beside me. Which, let’s be honest, made sense because of what he and I had often done in the past on a habitual basis.

The good news is no penetration was involved. Sure, we got intimate but we made sure not to repeat the same mistake from the past. Well, it was more so a mistake on his end because he was the one who actually hurt me — and he admitted that. He even told me, “Had I not been an asshole to you, I would’ve actually asked you out.” I told him it was okay. I forgave him, because I realized how hate wasn’t really going to solve anything.

We ended up having lunch together, watching Game of Thrones, and sharing cuddles. In all, we had spent a great time together. I left feeling grateful knowing he hopefully wasn’t going to hurt me again.

And, boy, was I wrong…

Shortly before Ramadan had commenced, I went to go watch him perform slam poetry. I was there to support him, obviously. Luckily, he was the top performer which wasn’t surprising considering how darn talented he is at it. Afterwards, things started to change again. Not for the better, though.

Friday, April 8th, 2022: “Miss seeing ya,” I text.

“I do want to see you too. Just not sure how to do it without craving you.”

“Babe, we were fine the first time I came over to your new place. Sure, we got intimate but you didn’t insert anything in me.”

He says, “But I really wanted to.”

“I know, but you had self-control which is good. You pretty much disciplined yourself.”

“It’s all I can think about when I’m around you. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth lol.”

Hmm..I get to him two days later.

Sunday, April 10th, 2022:

“Super random, but I miss making love to you too. Lol.”

He says, “We can…if we can both agree that it’ll mean nothing.”

What…?

The next day, he messages me. Shortly afterwards, I begin to lose my patience.

Monday, April 11th, 2022:

“Hey you. I’m sorry. I had a bit of a long day. Maybe, we can meet tomorrow.”

I message him the next day.

Nothing.

11 days pass. I decide to finally stand up for myself.

“Hey there. I really don’t mean to spam you via Whatsapp, but it’s just me reaching out and being a friend. If it’s too distracting for you to see me anymore, then please just say so because I totally get it. I’m just being direct, so not to keep receiving mixed signals in silence. Don’t get me wrong. The sexual intimacy has always been incredible with you. However, I made it clear to you, before and after, that I don’t want to get hurt again. So, I’d rather still protect and maintain my boundaries, and just keep our friendship strictly platonic. But if it’s too distracting for you, then please let me know so I’ll know where I stand and understand what I really mean to you, because it almost honestly feels like you’re trying to avoid me or something. Feel free to respond whenever. Otherwise, I’ll leave you alone and stop disturbing you.”

No response from him.

Two weeks later, I explode.

To be continued…